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  • Writer's pictureJordan Hogan

Callings From Your Soul



If you’re in one of the great windstorms of life, here is a story that has no end, from a fellow kindred traveler on this road of endless destiny. I hope this story falls softly in the hands of those walking through darkness or confusion and shines a light of hope for miracles that lie on the other side of the challenges we all face.


 

Hello, world.


I just unearthed my computer from underneath piles of children’s snow pants, gloves, books, and various forgotten snacks piled on top of my kitchen table. This disheveled state of affairs represents my life over the past few months.


It seems to me that when I ask for clarity, guidance, or movement in my life, the universal power of Spirit never fails to surprise me with the scope and magnitude it uses to answer back.


Before the words, “What am I doing in my life? Where am I going?” had even left my mouth a few months ago, movement catapulted me into yet another spiritual tornado, taking everything in my life and sweeping it up, turning it all on its head before spitting me and all my disregarded inner crap out in a theatrical windstorm.


Like Dorothy, I have felt like I’ve been sent on a search for the Wizard, without a road map and with three little Totos to keep alive while being dropped into the confusion of some foreign land.


Before the tornado, I was simply having another one of my many existential crises that have become much more common in my adult life than previously anticipated. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, an inevitable collapse of my physical body ensued. After years of disregarding my physical health and shutting off the small, polite taps on the shoulder from my body to maybe rest for a moment, it decided to take matters into its own hands and throw the whole system into shutdown mode.


For the past seven years, I’ve been practically bedridden with three high-risk, high-stress, emotionally exhausting pregnancies while simultaneously trying to help my husband keep our small business afloat. The end of this proverbial road came a year ago, when my husband and I realized the only possible way to keep this business going would be to downsize considerably.


So in an answer to our ensuing financial downfall, I trudged through the mud of our new store, my six-month-old baby in tow, and opened the door to a much cheaper and much more run-down version of the store we were trying desperately not to lose. My husband and I then proceeded to paint the entire place, replace the floors, and move our entire stock of pet and animal feed- by ourselves, in the cold of October, while still running the business. We had our 5-year-old, 2-year-old, and six-month-old in the backseat, in playpens, and in packs on our backs throughout the entire move.


Questioning the trajectory of my life at every turn, enduring panic attacks in the back room of the store, and holding on to my babies for dear life, I kept dragging my failing body and exhausted spirit through mud that never seemed to dry, for the sole reason that I literally didn’t know what else to do.


Nothing about this was panning out like I’d hoped. My soul was screaming for another way long before my body collapsed, but I had become a seasoned pro at disregarding my feelings to please others long ago. And so of course, I kept on going.


When my body finally gave a rallying cry so loud it was impossible to ignore, I was forced to reevaluate my life. I am completely convinced that nothing is as it appears to be in this reality, and truly nothing happens by mistake.


I believe we can listen to the whispers of our souls, or we can turn away from them, but the longer we turn away from the truth within our being, the more turmoil we create for ourselves and everyone in our orbit.

And so, as has been the case many times in my life, when I had no other options available, I surrendered.


I have spent the last few months looking at my life, listening to that voice within, becoming still and quiet enough to hear those little whispers of my higher self above the egoic noise that incessantly bombards my mind. I have read endless books on spirituality, life purpose, and the callings of the soul. I have, for the first time in this life, begun to decipher and trust the voice within. I’ve discovered that the voice of my soul whispers from the heart, that it speaks quietly and without urgency, softly guiding me to what I came into this life to do.


Seek, and you shall find.


Ask, and you shall receive.


I have found, albeit fleetingly and constantly in flux, a rejuvenation of my spirit. One that is faulty and new and still getting its sea legs, but it is a more profound connection with my soul, nonetheless.


I have been learning to look in the mirror and say, “My dear body. Thank you, I’m sorry, I love you.”


I have come to understand that I have played an integral part in creating the pain in my physical body that has come and gone in its intensity for most of my life. Through my complete disregard for its basic needs in my attempts to fulfill empty desires produced by my ego, I was never able to honor my body as a vessel for my spirit in the devoted way it deserves.


The mind and its constant need to fill a god-sized void with material things and professional accolades sends many of us into a slow death spiral as we strive for unattainable greatness defined by the world around us. It has come to my attention in this way only under the most grueling physical circumstances, but I believe many women are standing up for their souls and the work they long to do in the world.


They are trading in their need for material wealth and outward success for a mystical, intimate relationship with their spirits. And in embracing the courage necessary to do things outside the status quo, they are opening a door for the rest of us to walk through. I hope that someday, I can hug every single one of them, and kiss their feet for the way they have made the spiritually impossible accessible for someone like me.


I have been guided to find these innumerable spiritual teachers, in the most synchronistic ways that can only be defined as wholly magical and divinely inspired. These women have risen in the face of adversity and embraced the wonder and beauty of their feminine power. They have been courageous enough to speak their truth regardless of the paralyzing fear they felt.


I have come to have so much love for these women, who have given me hope, courage, and permission to continue to follow to call of my heart and find the reason my soul came to this planet at this time. It is only because one of them said, “I’ve had enough of this bullshit” to whatever anchors were dragging them to the bottomless pit of despair and loss of their spirits that the next one of us can get up, hear the call of hearts, and speak our truth.


I find this stunningly gorgeous in its symbolism of women supporting, loving, and guiding one another when for all of history we have been taught to fight, compete, and hold each other to unreachable expectations. But now, for the first time, it’s our turn to hold each other UP.


I have realized that I too can step forward and speak my truth, and maybe change the lives of others as they stumble and rise along their paths.


This has truly always been at the core of all my dreams.

It is in the deepest struggles that we find a greater and more powerful light within, just waiting to be turned on and turned up and shined like a lighthouse out to the see of our kindred spirits, rowing their boats tirelessly or lost upon the angry sea.

It is in gratitude for the seemingly horrendous events in our lives that we find who we truly are, what we are made of, and our purpose for being.


I do not have all the answers, I am still stumbling through, accidentally raising my voice and my toddler terrors, apologizing, trying again. I am still trying to tame the mean voices that tell me all the reasons I should give up, stop dreaming, and be practical. I am still trying to meld the qualities of my physical body and eternal spirit, still trying to find both spiritual and medical solutions to a failing physical body.


Fear steps in pretty much constantly, asking me what the big picture looks like, and if I know how I’ll provide for my family. Then Rebecca Campbell, an incredible woman whose spirit feels familiar to me, reminds me in her book to simply keep moving toward what lights me up, and let God take care of the rest.


My 25-year-old self who still lives in my brain is quite disappointed to find out that these waves of darkness and struggle do come in waves that crash onto our shores throughout this lifetime. She’s a bit disappointed that we don’t just figure it all out once, graduate from all our turmoil, and live the rest of our time here in ecstasy and ascended enlightenment. However, my 38-year-old self is surprisingly excited to learn that this is perfectly part of the greater plan for our lives.


To fall down, cry it out, brush it off, get up, try again. It’s what we’re here to do. It’s literally why our souls came all this way- to LEARN. And GROW. And fall. And get up. And do it a little differently. And try again, and again, and again.


I have always loved learning. I love it a lot more when I am getting A’s, and gold stars for my progress in Earth School. When I’m on the other side of the beach, the waves are calm and I’m enjoying all my newfound freedom before the next wave comes along.


But it’s all part of the process, and it truly is all part of the beauty. It was Divinely aligned to teach and guide us into the greatest versions of ourselves.

May we all remember to dance in the ever-present love and light that resides within each one of our infinite, expansive hearts.

If you are searching for the lost parts of yourself that have slipped through your grasp, questioning various life choices, and wondering what it’s all for, I hope this gives you hope. I urge you to keep going, to keep walking through and confronting those dark, long-forgotten parts of yourself. Remember that every moment of regret or pain that you’ve gone through has led you to exactly where you are meant to be.


If you’re searching for the light within that has somehow burned to ambers through life’s endless obstacle course, know that it is there.

The light within you is burning as brightly as ever, just waiting for you to be still and remember where it is. It is inside of your perfect, beautiful heart that is beating amidst your magnificent being.

This being has chosen a time of confusion, separation, and fear to come into this world and shine in a way that only it is capable.


You have an incredibly beautiful purpose for being here. It is uniquely yours, and yet somehow infinitely connected by golden, sparkling light to all that your soul has ever experienced.


Please keep going. Please keep trusting. Please keep expressing your incredible message in whatever form is yours.

Remember that the yearning within that you feel, the one that won’t be silent no matter how many outer things you think you can acquire to quiet its voice, it is a calling from your heart. It is guiding you, softly nudging you to remember the gorgeous truth of who you are.

At the end of the day, thank yourself. Love yourself.


Be still and know.


The best is always.


Already Here,


And


Yet to come.

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